Being intimately frustrated is certainly not an accident. It happens because some things that men do and don’t do make it so. A man may think that the reason why he is intimately frustrated is rather straightforward. But in most cases it is not. Intimate frustration accumulates due to a combination of factors. And one can certainly influence a lot of them. So how can intimately frustrated men get integrated, at one with themselves, all of a piece, body and mind in agreement? How can they get congruent to start attracting intimate fulfilment? Here’re some handy tips:
Be real
- Ask yourself: “Does what I do align with my sense of who I am?”
- Allow your natural humor to let rip more often.
- Be more your own boss.
Improve your state
- Create environments which support your purpose.
- Continue improving physical flexibility.
- Explore how it physically feels when you’re congruent.
- Also explore a variety of self-nurturing activities such as massage, meditation, acupuncture, homeopathy, Alexander technique, cranial osteopathy, yoga, Tai Chi, Reiki.
- Notice your physiology. Strengthen your internal state. Practise keeping focus to become more centered.
- Have more respect for your body.
- Relax.
Address obstacles
- Ask yourself what you’re afraid of when you avoid something.
- Explore your fears and phobias.
- Look at areas of doubt and inhibition.
- Release negative emotions.
- Do an inventory of your limiting beliefs in each main area of life.
What makes you intimately frustrated?
- Is it the environment? The wife / partner or lack thereof?
- Is it the time for intimacy or lack thereof?
- Or is it the atmosphere for intimacy that you create or don’t create?
- Is it what you do for or during intimacy?
- Is it the match or mismatch of your partner’s style of intimacy?
- Or are there perhaps beliefs around intimacy that limit it?
Resolve internal conflicts
- Become more aware of the sights, sounds, feelings of when and how specifically you’re congruent and also incongruent.
- Explore incongruence: what happens when you tell a lie? How do you feel? What does your physiology do?
- Also keep asking ‘what specifically do I need to become more congruent?’.
- Identify instances of conflict in your dreams and revisit them to resolve them.
- SCORE as often as you can = identify the symptoms, causes, outcomes, resources, and effects of incongruent behaviors to resolve them.
- Integrate parts of you that are in conflict.
- Match words with nonverbal communication.
Resolve conflicts with others
- Find new responses to people’s incongruence.
- Get curious about the positive intentions of people’s actions.
- Learn to look at issues from many angles.
- Write to a person with whom you’re in conflict. Offer to explain rather than blame.
Notice what works
- Notice things and situations which increase your congruence and do them more.
- Pay more attention to the ‘trivial’ and ‘mundane’.
- Regularly review your goals. Are they current and appropriate?
- Review your experiences. Ask yourself ‘how did I achieve what I have?’.
Do what matters
- Set clear well formed outcomes to which you’re committed.
- Keep asking ‘what do I want?’. What do you want to look back on in your 90s and say ‘I’ve lived as I wished, my life has therefore been meaningful and made a difference for the better’?.
- Commit to developing clear outcomes and act accordingly. The better you get at this, the better you will indeed be able to help others.
- Play wholeheartedly without wondering whether you’re too old or what others think.
- Tell the truth even if it may be cruel or unpleasant.
- Do what you believe in.
- Express what you REALLY want in a difficult situation.
- Keep (even unspoken) promises to yourself and others.
- Do more of what you enjoy and less of what you ‘should’.
- Say no to things that you don’t enjoy.
- Similarly, turn down offers of work that you don’t want to do.
- Take control. Choose whether you’ll do things instead of being influenced by peer pressure.
- Work with congruence as an outcome.
- Speak or stay silent when you feel the desire to.
- Mentally rehearse congruent behavior before a challenging event.
- Develop creativity.
- Tell stories and express yourself freely.
- Use metaphor and image more. Hence create a strong partnership between the conscious and unconscious mind.
- Continually seek ways to improve the quality of your life.
- Spend time with models of excellence in areas which you need to develop.
Be more aware of yourself
- Spend the first and last moment of a day on focusing on ‘what has it all been for?’.
- Be clear about your values, criteria, and actions that honor those criteria for your key roles and relationships.
- Pace your internal responses.
- Ask yourself ‘how’s what I’m doing an expression of who I am?’.
- Be curious about the positive intentions of all your actions.
- Change your internal dialogue from ‘I can’t do it’ to ‘How can I…?’ and ‘Who can help me?’.
- Pay more attention to your dreams at day and night.
- Do more for yourself of what you do for others.
- Commit to continuous self-development and engage in specific ways to achieve it.
- At the end of each day ask yourself ‘what have I learned today? What have I contributed today? What has been exquisite or fun? When was I congruent / incongruent?’.
Intimately frustrated? You’re not alone.
And to start this process also consider getting some coaching. Or would you like to know anything else? You can certainly ask.
